Responding to the Signs of Stress: Building Space for Open Dialogue
When did you last ask someone how they were, and although they said ‘fine’ you weren’t convinced? I’ve had that happen twice today. I kid you not. And tomorrow I suspect it may happen again.
On one occasion the person was restless with anxious energy, smiling, saying all the right things but visibly agitated. The second person was there in body, but definitely not in spirit – and they had that dark, distant look of withdrawal just behind their eyes.
And yet when courteously asked how they were, they just as courteously responded, “I’m fine thanks, and hope you are too?”
To which I said, “I’m OK today thanks, but I’m afraid I don’t believe you’re ‘fine. How are you really?”
Turns out, neither of these people were particularly ‘fine’ at all…
One of them was pretty stressed, quite anxious and in need of feedback into how they were coming across. We talked, worked things through, and then agreed to finish their session early, so they could take half an hour off to stop, and to regain a sense of self before their next meeting. They were going to go for a walk.
The second person I spoke to today, called their doctor. Sadly, they are hurtling towards burnout, and they needed to be shown a mirror, so they could see themselves in it and acknowledge how far things had got.
As a coach, a big part of my job is to be that mirror. It’s my responsibility, and a duty that mustn’t be shied away from, no matter how hard it sometimes feels. If we notice the unspoken, as well as the spoken, we can sometimes support a person saving themselves a whole heap of additional distress.
It Starts with Open Dialogue
Open dialogue is more than just talking, it is an exchange where both sides feel safe to speak honestly, share feelings, and explore ideas without fear of judgment.
It’s an interaction based on a foundation of trust.
My clients today had to fundamentally trust that I wouldn’t think anything less of them because they were struggling. (In truth, if anything, I think more of them because they’ve had the courage to acknowledge it).
Enabling open dialogue to take place means making it safe for thoughts, feelings and experiences to be laid out in the open, even if they are uncomfortable or messy. Usually, especially if they are uncomfortable and messy.
It is in this space where true insight and progress can be born, because nothing is hidden beneath social niceties, behind politeness or nervous apprehension. Once information is out in the open and acknowledged, then something different – hopefully more positive – can be done with it.
In the absence of honesty and true openness, a coaching relationship is likely to stay on the surface, focusing on small adjustments rather than exploring the deeper patterns that drive behaviour and decision-making. Often, I think of this as coaching that treats a ‘symptom’ rather than the underlying cause.
But when a coach and client can speak freely – voicing doubts, frustrations, ambitions and fears – it allows work to be done with the whole story. This leads to more meaningful actions, stronger alignment with personal needs and a more impactful coaching dynamic.
Open conversations are essential for challenging limiting beliefs. Often, clients carry internal narratives they’ve never spoken aloud. My first client today had an internal voice that was saying ‘I have to keep going, I can’t stop there’s too much to do’, and my second client’s internal narrative was loudly saying ‘I can’t fail, because then I’ll lose everything’.
It can be hard… so hard.
But by bringing these internal narratives into the open, giving them space and a voice and removing the secrecy or shame often associated with them, a coach can help a person examine whether these beliefs are true, whether they are useful, and if not, whether they can be reframed.
Creating the Conditions for Open Dialogue
The power of open dialogue transcends the coaching room. It plays an important, if not essential part in many human interactions. So how can we all create the conditions for this type of interaction to take place?
We have to start by acknowledging that a trusting environment doesn’t appear automatically. Instead it is cultivated with intention. For coaches, several practices make this possible, and I’m happy to share them, as they are widely applicable.
Deep listening and reflecting
Showing true interest, seeking to understand and then mirroring back that understanding and avoiding rushing to solutions too quickly are all ways to help a person to feel seen and heard.
Remember this idea of being a mirror – really look and examine and then share back what you see, hear and feel.
Confidentiality
Reinforce that what’s shared remains between the two of you. This reassurance needs to be clear and consistent. Sometimes you might need to say it several times.
Remember, the other person needs to feel your trustworthiness as well as be told it – they need to see it in your actions and believe it for themselves. So, it’s imperative you stay true to your word.
Being non-judgmental
The idea of opening up truthfully to someone requires courage and a willingness to be vulnerable. So always treat this with respect and avoid any judgement at all costs.
Remember to accept all thoughts and emotions without labelling them as good or bad. Simply as ‘data’ or information to work with.
Showing empathy
We will never be able to fully understand another person’s perspective unless we walk in their shoes. But we can try to understand where they are coming from and show sensitivity to their experience at any given time.
If you want to create a space for open dialogue, then acknowledging all feelings and experiences as valid is critical, even if they are different from your own.
When people feel seen and heard without criticism or agenda, they will naturally be more open and more willing to explore the difficult or vulnerable areas of their experience.
Helping Those Around You
Now, you don’t need to be a professional coach to create the conditions for an open conversation. If you’re concerned about someone - a colleague, friend, or family member – we offer you the following tips to help you to encourage that all important dialogue.
Choose a safe setting – a private, calm space without interruptions can make sharing easier
Start gently – instead of leaping into questions, you might say something like ‘I’ve noticed you haven’t seemed yourself lately, and I’m wondering if you’re OK.’
Listen more than you speak – silence can be powerful, giving the other person room to gather thoughts is often a rare but precious experience
Avoid fixing too quickly – people usually need to be heard to begin with and then given space to be and to think before they can move towards solutions. Our modern haste to find solutions can come at the expense of quality time to be and to think.
Finally, always respect boundaries. If a person isn’t ready to talk, let them know the invitation is open for the future. Because an open conversation is not something to force – it’s something to invite.
And in doing this, who knows how you can help another person today.