The Assertiveness Paradox - Being Direct Without Being Labelled “Difficult"
I have a ‘crumple button’. It’s triggered by a single word.
Bossy.
And when this word is used to describe me, I feel like inside, I literally crumple up into a small tight ball. Immediately, without warning. Closed, confused, small, tight, and… silent.
As a child I was frequently called ‘bossy’. By my parents, by my siblings, by my headmaster. But never, ever by my best friend. Instead, she used to say I was brilliant at taking control in particularly tricky situations. The ones that she naturally used to pull away from. She on the other hand was particularly good at thoughtfully but clearly speaking her mind. Something I was often too scared to do. Whilst I was ‘bossy’ she was often labelled ‘difficult’.
This became an important dynamic in our teenage friendship as we navigated things together where I could sometimes take the lead, and where she could sometimes use her voice for me. Turned out ‘bossy’ and ‘difficult’ made a great pair!
I saw a client recently with a similar workplace dilemma, and this got me thinking. Why is it that being direct can still feel dangerous for girls and women, even in an age which promotes equality?
The Assertiveness Paradox
Research into gender bias in this area, suggests women often face a ‘double bind’ when they speak up. If they are too accommodating, they may be seen as lacking authority, but if they are direct, they can be labelled ‘bossy’ or ‘difficult’.
The Center for Creative Leadership is a global non-profit organisation which focusses on leadership development and research. In one piece of research, they found that women were more likely than men to be described as bossy, and that this label carried a sharper penalty for women’s perceived promotability. Wider research on the gendered ‘double bind’ shows that female leaders are often expected to balance warmth and competence very carefully, which means even the most valid need to assert herself can trigger significant backlash.
I’m curious about the roots of this challenge for female leaders. And for part of that answer, it seems to me that we need to go way back in time. From an early age, many women are encouraged to be empathic, considerate, and collaborative. The classic ‘nurturing parent’. Whilst these are deeply valuable as qualities, they can become seriously complicated in leadership contexts, where decisiveness, clarity, and the willingness to hold a boundary are also required.
Could it be that the tension is that women are often expected to lead in ways that feel relational and supportive, while still delivering firm decisions and visible authority as well?
If so, then when those expectations collide, no wonder women can find themselves second-guessing whether being direct will make them seem unreasonable, even when they are simply doing what leadership demands.
I heard this theme in a coaching session, when a client described how exhausting it felt to keep editing herself before speaking. She said she knew what she wanted to say, but by the time she had softened it, explained it, and checked how it might land, her confidence had already been diluted.
That constant inner editing was quietly eroding her self-trust, leaving her less sure of her voice even when her thinking was clear.
Understanding Assertiveness
Enter a well-used, and often misunderstood word.
Assertiveness.
Why? Because in my opinion, assertiveness sits in the space between silence and self-importance. And this is key to the paradox I’ve just been highlighting.
Assertiveness is about recognising that your rights, needs, feelings, views, thoughts, and opinions matter – and so do those of other people. It is not to be mixed up with aggression which says, ‘my needs are more important than yours, so get on with it’.
When we can hold both our needs and those of others, communication becomes more honest and more respectful. We are less likely to over-accommodate, but also less likely to dominate. In that sense, assertiveness is not about winning or being right. It is about creating balance, clarity, and mutual regard. Respect for others, and respect for self.
Here are a few examples, to help you hear the difference.
‘You’re wrong and I’m right’ becomes ‘I understand your perspective, but I see it differently’
‘I’m too busy, so I won’t do it’ becomes ‘I’m not able to take that on right now’
‘I’m not deciding now, so move on to the next thing’ becomes ‘I need a moment to consider this fully before I commit’
In each of these examples the message remains the same. ‘I’ve got a different view’, ‘I’m not doing that right now’ and ‘I’m taking some time to think’. But I’m sure you can clearly see how they feel significantly different.
When working with clients in this area, the starting place typically is to reconnect them to their sense of self. Leaders usually know their rights, needs, views in a wide range of situations. Whether that be a right to ‘time to think’ or a need to ‘share a view’.
Assertive communication is direct, honest, and respectful, balancing self-expression with consideration for others. Its top characteristics, backed by psychological research, include:
The use of clear and straightforward language – the use of ‘I’ statements are considered particularly powerful as they focus on personal responsibility as opposed to ‘you’ statements which can contain blame
Using language which validates different viewpoints, whilst holding boundaries is evidenced to correlate with stronger relationships. For example, ‘I can see how strongly you feel about this, I also need to share some of my feelings with you too’
Maintaining grounded confident body language – this is known to help greatly in conveying calm authority. Steady eye contact, relaxed posture, balanced breathing, all help add to communication impact and imply assertiveness. Often, I work with clients on grounding techniques, so they have these to hand to pick up in situations where they need to remain calm
Listening actively – the core of assertiveness relies on us truly seeing the other person (not pretending to). Reflecting sensitively back what others say before responding, acknowledging what is important to them, is a really good way to foster mutual understanding and respect
I used these techniques above with my client who was constantly suffering from too much ‘internal editing’. I saw her again recently and she’d been developing a set of ‘power phrases’ to have to hand when she wanted to use her voice in a way that would be heard. She’d been practising with them (along with her grounding techniques) and was pleased with the results. Her particular favourite? ‘I’ve taken the time to really listen to what’s important to you here and now ask that you take the time to listen to me’.
I love it, and according to her, she does too. And most importantly it’s working!
Connecting to True Worth
Ultimately, assertiveness flows from a deep connection to self-worth. When women anchor themselves in their core values, strengths, and unshakeable sense of worth, their communication is likely to become much steadier and more grounded. Liberatingly less swayed by fleeting reactions or the need to appease.
As the little girl who was crumpled by the thought of being ‘bossy’, and who lost her voice as a result of it, I invite you to pause and notice in what moments you soften your truth for the illusion of comfort?
When do you edit your voice to avoid friction, and what subtle cost does that exact to your confidence? Maybe it erodes the trust you have in your instincts. Maybe it dims your presence, or leaves you feeling unseen?
Reclaiming assertiveness is not about becoming harder. It’s about honouring your inherent value enough to let it be heard.
Let’s start a conversation
At Motion Learning, we have spent twenty years helping women connect to their voice and lead with the confidence that comes from knowing their own worth.
If you'd like to find out more about how we can support you or the women in your organisation to navigate the assertiveness paradox — and communicate with greater clarity, courage, and self-respect — we'd love to have that conversation.