When Self-Care Isn’t Enough: The Case for Self-Compassion
Let’s be clear from the start: historically, I’ve been pretty terrible at both self-care and self-compassion. More recently, though, I seem to be improving - moving from a D- to a C+, and maybe even a B- on a good day.
So what’s changed?
Honestly, I’ve both needed and wanted to get better at how I look after myself. I like the feeling of having a full tank – of showing up for myself as much as I do for everyone and everything else. At first, that felt unfamiliar. But the more I practise it, the more I notice the space and calm it creates – and I really like that.
As I’ve worked on this, I’ve become curious about the ideas behind self-care and self-compassion. I thought I’d share a few of the things I’m learning, in case they’re useful for you too.
Self-Care and Self-Compassion are Different, Not Interchangeable
I think I used to easily get these mixed up. And from my professional conversations with clients, it feels like this is a common thing. So, let’s start with being clear about the differences.
Self-care is about actions – the kind of things we do to support our health. For example, all the good practises on sleep, exercise, boundaries, nutrition and so on.
Self-compassion is about ourrelationship with ourselves – it’s about how we treat ourselves when things are tough or going wrong. For example, with kindness, understanding or patience.
The distinction here matters because it expands the options we have available to support ourselves when we need it. Sometimes it’s an action, at other times it may be a thought. I know in the coaching room, when clients get ‘stuck’ alternative options can open up whole new ways of thinking.
I’ve often found over the years that classic acts of self-care don’t always deliver for me. I’ve experience of taking my busy brain to the spa with me – only to find the ‘relaxing massage’ extremely stressful. Ironic I know, but familiar to you, I suspect.
When self-care isn’t possible or doesn’t produce the expected relief, we can feel confused, and unsure about whether we’re even ‘doing wellbeing’ correctly!
By recognising self-compassion as a separate resource, it means we still have a way to respond to difficulty, even when circumstances don’t allow more self-care. And it’s always good to have options. So, here’s a bit more about the differences I’ve learned.
Self-care is proactive and preventative - self-compassion is responsive.
Self-care builds capacity and resilience over time. This is where our habits, motivation and structure come into play. I recall how hard it was when my children were young to find a single regular hour to step away and to do something for myself. I started with a one-hour Pilates class on a Saturday morning, which stuck and grew over the years to multiple hours per week. We tend to build our self-care practises, looking at what works, and what sticks over periods of time. And in doing this we increase our awareness of the things that might derail us, and the things that keep us on track. Slowly, over time building in good self-care practises that work.
Self-compassion, however, is much more responsive. It comes into play in moments of stress, failure, or disappointment, offering emotional safety that supports recovery and growth. I’ve learned to notice when I’m feeling sad, or worried for example, and to listen and develop an internal voice that simply says ‘of course you’re feeling unsettled right now, this is a tough thing you’re dealing with’. This is self-compassion. It’s a kindness that sees you in the moment, and then validates, reassures and supports you.
Self-compassion is always available, even when self-care is not
Because of this internal nature of self-compassion, we have direct control over when we bring it into play. We can always shift our inner dialogue and stance toward ourselves, regardless of time, resources, or energy. It’s a skill for sure, and something to be learned and developed. But the ability to show ourselves compassion is always there, and always within our control.
This makes self-compassion especially valuable when we’re under pressure or in times of stress, when self-care routines are most likely to drop.
Self-compassion protects against harsh self-criticism (without removing accountability!)
My own voice of self-compassion is one of kindness, patience and understanding. When I dial up this voice it says things like ‘you’ve been working hard this morning, take half an hour out now to slow down’ or ‘of course you’re feeling nervous, you really care about what is happening here’. It’s the voice I find so easy to access for my children, loved ones and friends. But it’s the voice that seems much more distant when it comes to myself.
But what’s also important to understand is that our voices of self-compassion, are not there to allow us to avoid responsibility. It’s not there to provide us with a new list of excuses. In fact, there is research to suggest that self-compassion actually supports better accountability, learning, and motivation, because people are less trapped in shame and self-blame.
Together, They Create a More Balanced Approach to Living Well
Here’s the lovely thing I’m learning. They are both powerful ways to increase our levels of wellbeing and happiness. Individually they are brilliant, but in combination we have a potential super-power.
We have this wonderful combination available to us with self-care helping us to set up the conditions we need to live well (our environments, habits and boundaries) and self-compassion shaping how we experience these conditions and respond when things inevitably don’t go as planned.
As I come to the end of my thoughts for now, I’ll leave you with two powerful questions that have helped me on my journey to understanding and developing these incredible ways of being.
Asking ‘what do I need right now?’ invites an action of self-care.
Asking ‘how can I be kinder to myself in this moment?’ invites self-compassion.
In my coaching practice, I see time and again how leaders who build both self-care and self-compassion into their routines lead with more clarity, resilience, and sustainability.
We’ll be sharing more Reflections over the summer, so do keep an eye out, sign up to our newsletter, or get in touch if you’d like to discuss self-compassion further.